Bojan the Top7 Dog

What are two things girls dream about when they’re young? Simple: Being a princess, and being a bride. Put those things together, and you have the movie The Princess Bride, one of my favorite movies of all time. You also have a recipe for a media frenzy: Kate Middleton and Prince William’s royal wedding.

Add to that the fact that Prince William is rather untouched by the scandals that have plagued his family in recent years. The cherubic-faced twenty-eight year old has never gotten divorced nor dressed up like Hitler, never abdicated his throne nor been a spokesman for Weight Watchers. In fact, we, the adoring masses, love him all the more since he has been bereaved of his beloved mother, our People’s Princess. He’s the perfect pedigree for our royal obsession.

And now we have Kate: Kate Middleton is also the perfect example of the pauper princess-to-be. She comes from a common family but has the grace and refinement of necessary to serve as a role model and royal. She’s never made a public misstep and the people of England have not only grown to accept her, but grown to obsess over her. After all, she is flawlessly beautiful and picture perfect with Wills.

Taken together, Will and Kate were destined to adorn pictures, newsreels and memorabilia forever after. Plus, David Beckham will be there. It’s like all of England’s cultural phenomena will join forces to create a televisual solar eclipse. Don’t look directly at it because the hotness will burn your face off.

The best part about the wedding is, in my opinion, googling “Will and Kate” and seeing what pops up. Its the best thermometer of our collective crazy. Here are some of the gems, in order of how they appear on the search page, and, coincidentally, in descending order of sanity:

1. “Royal Wedding: Will Kate Middleton be the Most Beautiful Royal…”
2. “Royal Wedding: Will Kate Middleton Wear a Tiara?”
3. “Kate Middleton & Camilla: Who Will Curtsy to Whom…”
4. “Who Will Design Kate Middleton and Prince William’s wedding bands…”
5. “Will and Kate Toilet Seats, Condoms Join Tacky London Souvenirs…”

Okay, I think you get it.

Will and Kate mania is underway, and people have legitimately gone insane. There is no cure. The only thing to do is to prepare ourselves for the upcoming event with the following information defenses:

Step 1: Ranking Wedding Movies. As mentioned above, The Princess Bride might naturally be the first thing to watch, being that it involves both a princess and a bride. You’ll get a speech about “mawage” and “twu wuv” and the funniest fairy tale this side of Shrek. But then you’ve got on the other end of the spectrum we have Wedding Crashers. Imagine Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson got to toast Kate and Will. I think we would all love to see that come to pass.
Step 2: Ranking British Royal Family Movies. Ranging from very to somewhat less boring — I kid! These are great examples of period pieces and dramatic mastery, with Shakespeare in Love, Elizabeth, The Queen, and this year’s best picture winner The King’s Speech in their company.
Step 3: Rank Power Couples. And if the future King and Queen of the United Kingdom aren’t a power couple, than I don’t know who is, apart from couples with actual powers, like in the X-Men or something. But I haven’t ruled out the possibility that Kate and William have magical powers, including but not limited to the power of flight. They’re my #1 power couple for sure.

Get to it before Royal Fever takes hold and you start buying commemorative toilet seats!

Rank Wedding Movies HERE
Rank British Royal Family Movies HERE
Rank Power Couples HERE

Its starting to feel like summer to me, playing on the beach, barking up a storm in the sand. And you know what summer means: blockbusters. I can finally chow down on some buttery popcorn goodness while watching this superhero and that sequel, turn my brain off, and have some fun in the air-conditioned non-sun. Global warming is taking its toll on my furry self.

What am I most excited to see this summer? Snakes on a Plane 2? No, silly: Harry Potter 8.

Also known as Harry Potter 7, 2.0.

Also known as The Deathly Hallows, Part DEATH. Merlin’s Beard! It’s going to be great.

Hermione Granger alter ego Emma Watson just turned 21 over the weekend, and this really got me thinking about the characters themselves. According to the results of the Top7 Topic about Harry Potter Characters, it was the lightning-faced boy wonder himself that was voted the favorite, with Hermione coming in at a close second.

At first I thought that it might make a difference to filter by boy and girl voters, perhaps the girls choosing Hermione for her girl power image, or maybe the opposite. Maybe they’d choose Harry because they think he’s a cutie. Either way you break it down though, Hermione is still second to Harry.

HOWEVER, in third place for the boys comes in wizarding mentor extraordianire Albus Dumbledore, whereas for the girls, ginger icon Ron Weasley weasles his way into the third spot.

Interestingly enough, Harry and Hermione keep the top two spots no matter what age group is voting as well, with Harry at number 1 and Hermione trailing behind in second place. For the 13-24 year old boys, Dumbledore pushes Ron out of #3, but once we get to 25 years and older in the boys, Ron edges Dumbledore outta there.

Only in 35+ boys did Hermione get edged out of the #2 spot into #3, replaced by Dobby of all people. Hermione’s legal now, men. It’s all okay to vote for her instead of the creepy animated house elf.

You know, dogs like me can like pretty much everyone. Especially people who give us food and/or treats. But Chris Brown, you are a mystery, wrapped in a riddle, surrounded by enigma, bound by an aura of blockhead, that I cannot wrap my floppy ears around. I will be the first puppy to admit that your smooth voice and crazy dance moves hypnotize me, more than Animal Planet or that guy in the mirror. However, the best way to force someone out of a smooth hypnosis of pop music is to punch that guy in or around the face. And you continue to do this to people. Why?

We were all incredulous two years ago when we found out that you were stupid and careless enough to push around the newest princess of pop, Rihanna. First off, beating your girlfriend is so stone-age, so Neanderthal. To be a pop star you have to be ahead of the times, not behind them. Second of all, she was one of the most famous public figures of the time already. I mean, I knew about her, and I’m a dog. How is it possible that you didn’t think that bruising on her expensive face would be front page news. It was super dumb, and incredibly wrong. And frankly I can’t believe anyone in the public forgave you.

But you were young, so cried your supporters. And man oh man, you can dance. And sing. And you can dance and sing at the same time, which people with two legs say is pretty hard. So incredible as it was, the public was willing to give you a second-chance-ish-sort-of-thing. Convicted felons who’ve assaulted one of America’s sweethearts don’t typically receive such treatment. Would you step up to the plate and prove to us that you’ve grown? That it was a childish indiscretion and you’ve paid your dues to society? That you’re now as soft as cotton candy? Mmmm… cotton candy.

Well, as Robin Roberts of Good Morning America might attest, you’re still a troubled young man. As a pooch, I don’t get out much on my own so I watch a lot of daytime television. The other group of people with that pedigree is stay-at-home moms, the main viewership if the Good Morning America program. Not the ideal time and place to let your felon flag fly. So punching through a window and causing the ABC network to consider filing a police report against you was not a good career move. Maybe on FOX primetime it would have worked, or maybe it would have come off better on Saturday Night Live, where, ironically, you did great. But Good Morning America is not a solid place to take off your shirt and get in the face of a 50-year-old woman wearing a cardigan sweater named Robin. It’s just weird and off-putting.

Basically, I think the solution here is to sign up for some sort of 12-step anger management program run by Dr. Laura plus Dr. Phil plus Dr. Drew Pinsky from VH1 Celebrity Rehab. Maybe take up some light Buddhism. Before you get to have your next comeback, I want you to sit with Oprah for a full 60 minutes, with her baiting you with a combination of Rihanna questions, and “yo mama” jokes. Then you might want to consider wearing a muzzle and/or a leash for the rest of 2011 while your rehabilitate your image. I can lend you one. It would both help your with your tarnished reputation, and also I would personally be less scared of running into you on the street.
That being said, I love “Yeahx3” and “Champion.” Please don’t hurt me.

To rank Musical Comebacks, click HERE.
To rank our girl RIHANNA’s songs, click HERE.

To rank Chris Brown’s songs, click HERE.