Bojan the Top7 Dog

You know, dogs like me can like pretty much everyone. Especially people who give us food and/or treats. But Chris Brown, you are a mystery, wrapped in a riddle, surrounded by enigma, bound by an aura of blockhead, that I cannot wrap my floppy ears around. I will be the first puppy to admit that your smooth voice and crazy dance moves hypnotize me, more than Animal Planet or that guy in the mirror. However, the best way to force someone out of a smooth hypnosis of pop music is to punch that guy in or around the face. And you continue to do this to people. Why?

We were all incredulous two years ago when we found out that you were stupid and careless enough to push around the newest princess of pop, Rihanna. First off, beating your girlfriend is so stone-age, so Neanderthal. To be a pop star you have to be ahead of the times, not behind them. Second of all, she was one of the most famous public figures of the time already. I mean, I knew about her, and I’m a dog. How is it possible that you didn’t think that bruising on her expensive face would be front page news. It was super dumb, and incredibly wrong. And frankly I can’t believe anyone in the public forgave you.

But you were young, so cried your supporters. And man oh man, you can dance. And sing. And you can dance and sing at the same time, which people with two legs say is pretty hard. So incredible as it was, the public was willing to give you a second-chance-ish-sort-of-thing. Convicted felons who’ve assaulted one of America’s sweethearts don’t typically receive such treatment. Would you step up to the plate and prove to us that you’ve grown? That it was a childish indiscretion and you’ve paid your dues to society? That you’re now as soft as cotton candy? Mmmm… cotton candy.

Well, as Robin Roberts of Good Morning America might attest, you’re still a troubled young man. As a pooch, I don’t get out much on my own so I watch a lot of daytime television. The other group of people with that pedigree is stay-at-home moms, the main viewership if the Good Morning America program. Not the ideal time and place to let your felon flag fly. So punching through a window and causing the ABC network to consider filing a police report against you was not a good career move. Maybe on FOX primetime it would have worked, or maybe it would have come off better on Saturday Night Live, where, ironically, you did great. But Good Morning America is not a solid place to take off your shirt and get in the face of a 50-year-old woman wearing a cardigan sweater named Robin. It’s just weird and off-putting.

Basically, I think the solution here is to sign up for some sort of 12-step anger management program run by Dr. Laura plus Dr. Phil plus Dr. Drew Pinsky from VH1 Celebrity Rehab. Maybe take up some light Buddhism. Before you get to have your next comeback, I want you to sit with Oprah for a full 60 minutes, with her baiting you with a combination of Rihanna questions, and “yo mama” jokes. Then you might want to consider wearing a muzzle and/or a leash for the rest of 2011 while your rehabilitate your image. I can lend you one. It would both help your with your tarnished reputation, and also I would personally be less scared of running into you on the street.
That being said, I love “Yeahx3” and “Champion.” Please don’t hurt me.

To rank Musical Comebacks, click HERE.
To rank our girl RIHANNA’s songs, click HERE.

To rank Chris Brown’s songs, click HERE.